Honoring October Fertility and Infant Loss Awareness Month: Understanding Loss and Support Strategies

Pregnancy loss

October is a month of reflection and solidarity. It shines a light on the painful journey many families experience due to fertility loss, pregnancy loss and infant loss. This month is more than just a time for remembrance; it is a call to action for understanding and supporting those who face such profound grief. Many individuals may grapple with feelings of isolation or despair. We can change this by coming together to acknowledge their struggles and offer our support.

In this article, we will look closer at the various types of losses recognized during October, highlight some important dates, and share effective ways to support those grappling with these heart-wrenching experiences.

Understanding the Types of Losses Honored

Fertility and infant loss can take many forms, each with its own emotional weight. Here are some types of loss that families might encounter during their journey:

Miscarriage

Miscarriages are a tragic reality that many expectant parents face, occurring in 10-20% of acknowledged pregnancies. For instance, a recent study showed that nearly one in four recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage before the 20-week mark. The impact on parents can be severe, leading to feelings of emptiness as they mourn dreams of the future they had envisioned for their child.

Stillbirth

Stillbirth refers to the loss of a baby after 20 weeks of pregnancy. In the United States, about 1 in 160 pregnancies ends in stillbirth, making it a heart-wrenching experience for many families. Parents may feel a deep bond with their child, exacerbating the complex emotions of guilt and sadness that often accompany such a profound loss.

Neonatal Loss

Neonatal loss occurs when a baby dies within the first 28 days of life. This loss can stem from medical complications, such as genetic defects, medical negligence, premature birth, etc. This can affect about 1 in 100 births. When their newborn passes away, parents often navigate an intense emotional landscape filled with grief and loneliness, as they cope with their sorrow while also tending to their own well-being.

Ectopic Pregnancy

An ectopic pregnancy happens when a fertilized egg implants outside the uterus, often in a fallopian tube. This form of pregnancy cannot progress healthily and poses significant health risks to the mother. The emotional impact is intense, as it combines physical pain and the loss of a hoped-for future.

Chemical Pregnancy

A chemical pregnancy is an early miscarriage that may occur before a heartbeat is detected, often within the first five weeks. Despite being common, the emotional toll can leave parents feeling unseen and invalidated, as the loss often goes unrecognized in public discussions.

Recurrent Pregnancy Loss

Recurrent pregnancy loss is defined as experiencing two or more consecutive miscarriages. This reality affects approximately 1% of couples trying to conceive. Families grappling with this loss may find themselves in a cycle of despair, longing for answers and support to help them through their journey.

Special Dates to Remember

October is enriched with significant dates that underscore fertility and infant loss awareness. Keeping these dates in mind is vital:

October 1: Preganancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

The entire month of October is devoted to acknowledging pregnancy and infant loss. It serves as an opportunity for families to reflect, remember, and advocate for awareness surrounding these challenges.

October 15: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Families are encouraged to light a candle at 7 PM local time on this day, creating a wave of light that spans the globe. This simple yet powerful act symbolizes unity and remembrance for those who have experienced loss.

October 9: International Day of Miscarriage Awareness

This day specifically targets the impact of miscarriage. It aims to encourage families to speak openly about their experiences, breaking the silence that often surrounds such loss.

October 25: National Day of Remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant Loss

On this day, we honor the memories of babies lost during pregnancy or shortly after birth. This reminder shows us that these losses are significant and deserve the utmost respect.

What to Say to Those Who Have Lost Pregnancies

Supporting someone who has experienced a loss can be difficult because it often involves navigating complex feelings. Here are some compassionate approaches to consider:

Acknowledge the Loss

It is essential to acknowledge the loss directly. Simple phrases like "I am so sorry for your loss," or "Let me sit here with you and just be with you," validate their grief while showing your care. Try not to come up with reasons, excuses or 'solutions' to why this happened. It feels like invalidating the loss and does not cure the reality of the loss.

Share Memories

If you are familiar with the baby or the pregnancy, sharing a memory can deliver comfort. Saying, "I remember when you shared your pregnancy news; that brought so much joy," can help grieving parents feel connected to their child again. Use the baby's name (if the parents chose to name their baby). Using their name is such a strong way to support, honor and remember the little life. Remembering that just because the pregnancy or infant did not make it does not mean it was less of a life.

Offer Support

Expressing your availability can mean so much. You might say, "I am here for you if you want to talk or need anything." Offering tangible help, such as providing meals or running errands, is often very appreciated during difficult times. Try and think of simple things that may be useful and just go and do them! Often the emotional load of thinking about tasks, agreeing to the task or giving you the idea is too much mental load for the parents who lost their loved one. It will take a big weight off their mind if you can anticipate and simply 'do'!

Avoid Clichés

While it may be tempting to offer phrases such as "Everything happens for a reason" or "At least you can try again," these can feel dismissive. Instead, focus on listening and being there for your loved one. Sometimes just being there in silence together feels better than any words.

Encourage Expression of Grief

Let the grieving parent know that expressing their feelings is entirely valid. You could say, "It is okay to feel sad, angry, or confused. Your emotions are completely understandable." Offering a safe space for them to articulate their thoughts can be incredibly healing. As time passes on, encourage them to talk about it, ask them how they are doing or if they want to do any special commemoration at big milestones for their lost loved one. Often loss parents feel that after one year they are not permitted to express their sadness anymore - that they should be 'over it' by now. The truth is these losses never truly disappear in their hearts - feeling comfortable to ask about them, how they are doing etc is a great way to show that you care. Often parents can be embarrassed to talk about it after some time has passed due to the stigma of 'moving on'. Grief does not conclude after a certain period, and it's crucial to check in on your loved one in the weeks and months following their loss. A simple message or call can remind them that they are not alone on this path.

Reflecting on Loss and Support

October Fertility and Infant Loss Awareness Month serves as a powerful opportunity to honor the experiences of those dealing with the heartache of losing a pregnancy or infant. By familiarizing ourselves with the types of recognized losses, observing significant dates, and knowing how to support those in grief, we can build a compassionate community.

As we journey through October, let us remember that every loss tells a unique story. Every emotion surrounding it deserves acknowledgment. By fostering understanding, promoting awareness, and extending our support, we can help grieving families feel seen, heard, and loved. Together, we create a wave of light to honor the memories of those lost and uplift the families left behind.

-written in loving honor of my son, Grayson, who was stillborn April 22, 2022. As we say on his gravestone - "we hold you in our hearts until we can hold you in heaven" <3